Dr P T sunderam NLP guru of India
Sita – a 24-year-old engineering graduate came to me for consultation. Her story is something like this, she said sir, my parents have selected me three suitable partners and after having some courtship for a brief period of 15 days to one month they were rejected by my parents. Now they are asking me to go with a fourth person for marriage.
Sir, I told that I don’t want to get married because now I am scared about marriage. So kindly help me out. I have corrected my decision.
Well this is a symptom most of these young girls who undergo, who don’t know the benefits of premarriage counseling. It is the plight of most of the young girls before marriage. The problem is indecision. They will not put the proper marriage foundation. As the foundation is very important for the life of a building and if the foundation of the building and the foundation of the soil is on a poor quality of material naturally the building will collapse. So you are preparing a building for 30 years or 50 years. Assume that you are constructing a building of 100 storey, how much depth you will go. Engineers suggest it is 1:4 that means by 25 you should go. But in relationship I would say you should go 50 storied, well it is 1:2, half of the height of the building, this would go into the foundation because the foundation is like the tree roots.
Imagine an artificial tree, it can be removed, but a natural tree cannot be removed. We do not know where the roots are. The roots may be running in kilometers. It may be running in miles, it may be extended to other city of your province. So I would say built a relationship in such a way, so that your roots are very strong. What will happen if you don’t know that? Very easy.
To be shaken. It can be thrown away by the winds. It can be thrown away by the storm. It can be thrown away by the rain. Every damn, natural threat, you always live under a tension. See you are not only building a foundation for yourself, you are also building a foundation for your parents, their parents, your culture and their culture. So that way, the more you can build the roots or more you can make your foundation stronger, so much will be happier. That should be the thing. If it does not happen, what will happen?
See if this does not happen, the roots of your foundation decide the strength of your happiness. Imagine your foundation roots are very strong. You have got 100 roots and every root is running into kilometer in different parts of the country, in different parts of the world. The more you are secured, say less misunderstanding, give more to relationship, more support, emotional support, moral support, financial support, more healthy children, and please understand the support you are deriving is not only for your parents, there parents, but also for your would be children, would be grandchildren. A study has shown that majority of the cases where people were introduced in a family function or in a religious function or in a friend’s function, later on these cases got married, they are more happy than the people who have discovered through the Hollywood and bollywood love style, Hollywood and bollywood discovery.
The roots are weaker, it will crack down, it is like a paper boat on a table. Because it will be thrown by the winds of current, then you have to be afterwards, you have to be person as a single mom, you have to live with a child or maybe you have to go for a remarriage or if you are a mother for a remarriage the value goes down. Definitely you will go for a second marriage without changing the pattern of the mistakes you have done in first marriage, it goes for third marriage, fourth marriage, even fifth marriage, and the more you are going for remarriages, the less is your value and also your family value and your children and your sister’s value and your siblings values for marriage. So you are also diminishing the value of your family by remarriage. Recently a father came to me that he has got five daughters and the first daughter is going for fourth remarriage, even though he was very rich and he was smiling in front of her, privately he said that sir how long I am going to be investing on my first daughter, I have got another three to four daughters to be married sir. This he does not understand. Look at the anguish of this father.
Assume that the foundation is weak and you have accepted things as it is but you are emotionally strong, then what happens you go into depression. You cannot fight the situation, you are going into depression, _____ (10:10) healthy children, because you are in depression, you are suppressed or you commit suicide and create problem for us.
The study has shown that wherever premarriage counseling has happened, either it can be through their family seniors, grandfather’s, grandmother’s or through professional counseling, with the help of a psychologist or a marriage counselor. In sixty percent of the cases the divorced rates have been minimized and they are very, very happy and therefore the way of building marriage roots, I would say is read more and more books on marriage, marriage literature, blogs on marriage, discuss, select some few friends who are of equal maturity and developed, discuss among them, so this should begin at least one year before marriage or after the college is over this should begin. You should have a debate, discussions, role plays, games all these things should happen. Therefore you are preparing a soil, soil should be prepared one year before and seed should be sown afterwards. Today the soil is nothing, but attending marriage training programs, premarriage counseling classes, reading books on that, blogs, debate, discuss, discussion forums, matured networking, but everything is around marriage and around having your own role models, I would like to become. This is about one to two years before that this should happen.
For any professional training or professional, what you call a job you are trained, for a few years before you accept that post, then why don’t you train yourself by accepting a post of a husband and a post of a wife.
I want you to decide what type of tree is a good metaphor for your marriage relationship. You have to decide what type of tree, you have to visualize what type of tree, would you like to be a small bush and die, would you like to be the tallest tree or would you like to be the banyan tree, banyan trees roots go into acres and acres and banyan tree live for hundred years.
So would you like to be like the banyan tree sowing and growing? So for you, if you have gone, your works live, your family live, their generation live, they emulate you, they remember you, they worship you. Would you like to be like such a tree? In Chennai _____ (14:32) society when they made an office and purchased a land for an office in Chennai, they cut down all the trees, except one banyan tree, because it was already there for five years, five years ago. So now classes are going on under that banyan tree. If you become such a role model for your family, your society, the world, then your story will get repeated, so decide what type of relation would you like to have. The more the foundation, more the knowledge. So kindly prepare for this premarriage knowledge as early as possible. In premarriage counseling, I would request you to focus on five areas before you select a partner.
1. Express and feel. What is express and feel. Select a partner uncomfortable with your feelings ____ (15:54) (and again recently) expressed to him. Yes he is an indicator of your prospect would be. If you can express and feel in presence of a person or for opposite sex, yes he is likely to be your number one partner. If you rate to receive your expressions and your feelings, if you acknowledge that yes he could be your ideal partner.
2. Are both of you explorable? What is explorable? Have you ever gone through self improvement studies, psychological questionnaire, assessing yourself, and doing homework on yourself, what is your mental psyche, what is your personality and what _____ (16:57) (what exercise is being questioned), if you have done that yes, you have chance of 50%, yes you score that.
3. Expand. What is expand? Daily you have to work on your relationship. Start doing it with your brother, start doing it with your sister, start doing it with your mother, start doing it with your father, because this is a training period for you. Just identify that in what way can I add value to my brother, in what way can I add value, in what way can I add _____ (17:30) what word can I demonstrate so that I can change according to him. Expand.
4. Empathy. Can you accept the person as it is? If you are trying to change him it will be difficult, try to change yourself. The easiest thing is to change yourself. Emulate yourself and empathize yourself.
5. Emulate a role model. What is a role model? One of your family members maybe ten years or twenty years elder to you, who is senior, may be grandfather, great grandfather, or grandmother, who are the couple are the role model. Go to them, talk to them, live by their principle, live by their thinking, these are the five steps which can help you to evaluate a better partner.